I’m so damn excited.  I finally FINALLY got to sign up for the boot camp that I’ve been dying to go to.  I start on the 10th, and I am so freakin’ pumped.   I’ve also been doing a hell of a job with my eating.   I’ve lost a few more pounds, but I know the weight will really start to fall off once I join the bootcamp.  I’ve got it set up so that my school schedule doesn’t start until twelve.   I can choose what boot camp to go to but there is one at 830 and one at 530.  So I will have plenty of time to work out, get ready, and have all of my school stuff done.  Kids go back to school on Monday.  We have all had a really good vacation together.  Minus the fact that my favorite sister is getting married. LOL  The little shit decided to go live with her boyfriend in Colorado.  he came down to spend Christmas with us.  And when he walked in, he looked a little pale.  He proposed to her in my mom’s kitchen.  Heather and I predictably so, commenced to bawling our asses off and trading tissues.  Nikki turned around and said, “Are you bitches crying?” lol  Like she expected anything different from the two of us!   And I just love Travis.  He adores and I mean ADORES Nick.  And I can’t think of one relationship that she has had in her 26 years where she had a man that actually spoiled her.  Her last boyfriend at the end tried to get Nick to support him. LOL  She wouldn’t stand for it.  Dumped his ass, lost forty pounds, and now is back with Travis, the one guy who would do anything for her.  Good news is I now have a place to crash for Spring break. LOL  We had such a good time at Mom’s for Christmas.  The only downer was my mom bought Dono an ipod touch.  For some reason, he took it with him to the skate park, and someone jacked it, and his friend’s phone.  So Bri and I replaced it.  But other than that, we had a blast. 

A girl I was in dance class with had a child die the day after Christmas.  Same day as my grandmother.  I can’t imagine losing a child.  and honestly, I don’t want to imagine it.  her daughter was ill, and young.  And it’s times like that where you really look at your life, and christ, experience profound gratefulness.  Brian and I have a wonderful life.  She’s an amazing woman and my heart goes out to her.  I cherish my kids, and hugs might be a little longer than usual for the next couple of days.   I don’t want to go through life taking what I have for granted.  One of my favorite lessons I’ve ever learned was a healing statement that says, “I’m sorry. I love you.  Forgive me.  Thank you.”  Beautiful, isn’t it?

I know this is a stressful time of the year.  I know way too many people who turn this holiday into a buying frenzy nightmare, actually forgetting the real reasons behind the holidays.  But I’m seeing alot more stressed out and unhappy people around my neck of the woods lately.  Kind of sad really.  Not sure why I even brought that up…

I walked twelve miles in four days this week for workouts.  I wanted to go walking today but Dono had his end of year christmas party at school.  I made cookies for the boys to take to school for their teachers.  we make linzer cookies which are actually two cookies in one.  There were four cookies in each tin, which is actually eight.  And I made twenty tins.  That’s 160 fucking cookies. LOL  From SCRATCH.  And I’d like to point out here that normally?  I don’t bake.  Not with like, flour and shit. LOL  I run the other direction usually.  But this time around, Bri was busy closing out his month so I rolled up my sleeves, put my fear in another part of my body, lol, and just got to it.  I actually enjoyed the process, because for years, I’ve told myself, “you’re not a baker.”  Funny, the things we tell ourselves without even conciouslly realizing it.  Turns out not only am I baker, but a badass one at that. LOL

 I also had to make food for dono’s party this morning.  And I woke up so hung over I thought my head was going to fall off my body.  But that’s the price you pay when you drink as much Sake as I did last night.  Still, the date night with the hubby was way worth it. *grin* we had ourselves a REALLY good time. LOL 

And on that note, I am headed out to find my sisters a christmas present. lol

I finished my semester on Thursday.  And god I am so glad that semester is over.  I have a drawing class that I was taking.  And it’s funny, when you spend your whole life being told what you’re good at, sooner or later, you just accept the label and the face value  of it.  For years, my family has put me in this category of “the artist”.  And for a very long time I was.  And then I got married, had kids, and my love of art got shoved into a corner where I completely forgot about it.  And I never realized it, but when I did anything artsy, it was always something I was really good at.  And I never thought about that, I was just doing what I loved.  And then I enrolled in this drawing class.  And even though it had been almost twenty years since I was  in a formal art class, I naively thought it would be a piece of cake.  And let me tell you, I have never been so out of my comfort zone as I was when I was in this class.  I created things that I never thought I would have been able to do, and I also created things that I absolutely dispised.  Art projects that no matter how many times I worked on them, I couldn’t get them to look right.  Now in the past, you know what I would have done?  I would have quit.  I would have quit because it was hard, and my perfectionism would take hold of me, and that would be the end of it.  I wasn’t able to do that with this class.  There were things that I had to learn, that I never really got the hang of, like Linear perspective.  And I almost dropped the class.  Because it was too hard, and for the first time, I wasn’t the best at art.  There were so many talented people in my class.  And for years, I was always the best one in my family.  I had dubbed myself the “artist” not even realizing that my ego had taken hold of me.  I didn’t drop the class.  I worked through it.  And I realized that sometimes, it’s not about the final product.  It’s not always about how pretty and beautiful it has to be.  Sometimes it can just be about the journey.  About the progress.  Because if you learn something from it?  Ther’es something of value in that too.  I get so caught up in my perfectionism in other areas of my life as well.  And when I don’t accomplish what I want the first time around, my inclination is to quit, because it’s easier than having to go through the journey of progress.  It’s easier to quit than to work really hard for something.  And you know I’ve finally realized why.  It’s fear.  Fear that if I do try, I will fail.  I have let this fear of failure surround me without even realizing it.  And the truth is, I owe it to myself, I need to LOVE myself enough to just trust the process.  To not worry about perfection, or screwing up, but learning.

My husband and I started this diet about a week ago, and I can’t even describe to you how many emotions I have been detoxing through.  Angela Stokes has this amazing book called Raw Emotions, and she talks about how when you detox, you don’t just detox the fat, but the emotions that came from the fat.  I’ve talked about it on this blog before.  I’ve lost five pounds this week, and with the whirlwind of emotions I’ve been dealing with I swear to god it feels like I’ve detoxed through a hundred.  It’s INTENSE.  Like REALLY FUCKING INTENSE.  Part of it has been ugly.  Part of it has been scary.  But I’m working through it, and it’s made my relationship with my husband so much closer.  And did I mention that I broke out of the 200’s this morning? lol  I’m not going to lie and say this week has been easy, because jesus it hasn’t. lol  I’ve been dealing with a severe gluten addiction that just about kicked my ass the other day.  But I overcame it, and I will continue to overcome it until I eradicate that stupid son of a bitch out of my body. LOL  HE IS NOT GOING TO WIN. lol  The good news is my clothes are looking REALLY good.  I’ve lost the muffin top thing I had going on.  And my jeans are getting loose.  When I lose another ten pounds, I’m gonna have them altered, because I paid a hundred freakin dollars for these Miss me jeans, and they are hot.  And on that note, I get to go channel Donna reed and clean my house. lol

Sammy
Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my best friend. And I cant remember the last time I have grieved as much as I have with Sammy passing. It honest to god feels worse than when my dad passed away. He was chasing a squirrel and ran into our neighbor’s fence. It gave him a brain lesion. But honestly I think he had some kind of tumor there before, because the two weeks before that he was acting depressed. And I swear, for the rest of my life I will regret worrying, instead of doing more for him. I miss him. God I miss him so fucking much. I’ve had him since he was five and a half months old. Actually next month would have been our eight year anniv. I bought him as a christmas present to myself. I loved him so much. But he just deteriorated after the fence episode. I took him in right after that, freaked, because he normally doesnt’ just run into shit. He wasn’t that kind of dog. They diagnosed him with an inner ear infection and put him on antibiotics. But he just kept getting worse. And I kept taking him back in. By Sunday he couldn’t even walk on his own. And there was just nothing they could do. So yesterday I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life, and that was to put him to sleep. He had stopped eating and drinking. And that’s just not a quality of life. He was so checked out. The only thing that made ANY of this remotely ok was when my sister and I were in the room with him, before they gave him his meds, he was so lucid. He saw me, like Really saw me, something he hadn’t done in almost three days. And when he saw my sister, he got so excited, and you could tell he wanted to get up and say hi to her, only he couldn’t. And I was able to tell him I loved him, and goodbye. And jesus..just I hope I never have to go through that again.
Right now it’s just the little things that are getting me. LIke I see his hair throughout my house. And I know this sounds demented, but I feel like I’m erasing his memory by cleaning away the hair. Weird, I know, but this is where my head is at. Ok actually where my head really is at is this afternoon I was scrounging up loose pieces of hair so that I could one day send them off and have him cloned. Which probably wouldn’t even work, but no one ever said the grieving process is a sane one. I’ve caught myself looking at his “spots” places where he usually sat, and they bring me to tears to look at. I had a moment of insanity where I went to the garage and pulled his cover out just so I could smell him. He was my third child..that’s what I always told people, and my heart just aches. Because I want him to come home. I want him back, and I know it won’t happen. Part of me kept wishing this was just some awful horrible dream that I would wake up from and he would be here. I woke up this morning, and I was in that half asleep half awake stage, and I saw something black on Br’s side of the bed and immediately thought “oh Sam is over there” before I caught myself. It made me lay back down and cry. I made eggs yesterday and without even thinking about it, grabbed a bowl for him and then realized what I was doing. That brought me to tears as well. And do you know what my biggest fear is? That I won’t ever see him again. And I have been praying. Praying that I will find peace on this, but that also I will just see him again because the thought of never being able to? I can’t live with that. I was thinking about getting another black Lab. Bri said he thinks I won’t be able to look at the new puppy without seeing Sam. He wants a mastiff. I’m not opposed to a mastiff. I love my big dogs. But he was such a good dog that I thought maybe if I got another lab mix like sam it wouldn’t be so hard, and that also I would still have a chance of having a kick ass dog like sam was. Either way, a new dog could never ever in a million years replace sammy. It will never happen. And fuck that’s just depressing. But I guess that’s just life.

I love you Sammy

So my baby sister does NOT have cancer!!!!!!! *happy dance*    She was told by her doctors that they were almost positive she had cervical cancer.  And they told her BEFORE her biopsy she had cancer cells.  Which that just could have been a misunderstanding from my sisters point of view.  Our dad passed away from cancer on Nov. 7th, 2005.  So I’m wondering if she panicked and heard things because she was scared.  Or it could have been the clinic she goes to is shitty.   (Dad’s  anniv. was on Sunday.   And I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I completely forgot about it.  I LOVED my dad.  But to forget his anniv?  I’m not the greatest with dates as it is, but I was so surprised when my sister reminded me that I had forgotten.)  There was also some other stuff going on with my family that got resolved in a VERY good way yesterday as well.  So it just ended up being a great day. :O)

I’m still doing the boot camp.  We are hooping tomorrow for our boot camp, and can I just tell how how stoked I am for THAT?   And for those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, watch this and you can’t tell me it’s not the sexist thing you’ve ever seen…LOL      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nj8hpcrrhc

Class this week has been really good.  My drawing and design projects are really turning out well.  I also got a bit of a break this week.  One of our projects dealt with Linear perspective.  And the assignment she gave us was to do a drawing on Linear perspective but from the viewpoint of a mouse.  And jesus..I could NOT get it to turn out right.  Well turns out I wasn’t the only one.  LOL  Out of nine of us, only four of us turned it in.  And when she saw our drawings, she re-visited the concepts again, and gave us all a break and told us we could re do it without losing points. (Score!)  And then today she had cancelled class. So I only have to do that drawing this weekend. *grin*

I’m gutting out my closet and bedroom this weekend.  I’m thinking about buying a vanity dresser/table thing for my makeup since it’s taking OVER my desk in our bedroom.   I have so much makeup it’s ridiculous.  Def got the makeup whore thing down PAT. LOL

Well I’m going to go get a few things done around the house..make some lists, etc. LOL  You all have a great weekend!!

Mel

So I wasn’t sure how I felt about that boot camp from Friday.  And then on Sat my body was so sore I walked like some zombie type chicken thing..lol  And that did it for me.  If I can get that sore, then that means it’s doing something and it wasn’t so bad that I felt dread at coming back.  Kim called me, told me she wanted me to keep coming until I could pay her on the 15th, so that settled it. *grin*  They also have a couple of other boot camps in this same company that does evening workouts.  Which I’m going to work up too as well.  I want to see results, and that’s the only way it’s going to happen, so there ya go. 

Kim and I share an acquaitance through the hooping community.  I’ve gotten to get to know her a little bit more through facebook and I found out she might be coming to Texas and I’ll have a chance to have two Hoopnotica instructors give me pointers on hooping.  Totally made me day. LOL  (Yes, I’m a dork, I know  LOL)

I had the most relaxing weekend.  It was exactly what I needed.  And with the exception of the whole issue we had with Mikey’s party, it was a really good weekend.  His baseball team took the championship.  And they wanted to get together and have a party to celebrate with the kids.  I didn’t recieve the invite, so I finally got it the morning of  And I realized they we would have to pay twenty bucks  to come to the party.  And for some reason, it really rubbed me the wrong way.  I mean, why the hell would you charge the kids for coming to their own damn celebration party???  And yes, they had rented out (convieniently) the YMCA where they were on the board, and had zip lining.  Which is cool for the kids.  I think I was more dissapointed (and pissed) by the fact that I couldn’t afford to go because I just got through paying for my school.  And the sad thing is if I had been given the invite in time (i got it the day of) I could have planned it to where we would have been able to go.  And yes, I know, it’s only twenty bucks. *sigh*  Which is probably what made it suck the most.

Other than that, we spent the weekend doing absolutely nothing, and it was SOO nice. LOL  Bri and I relaxed, hung out with the boys.  I got to listen to Mikey laugh literally all weekend long, and I mean really?  In the grand scheme of things, my life is really really amazing when the sound of my son’s laugh is heard through the whole house. LOL  I’m working out, I’m doing good in school…so yeah, my life is pretty damn good. :O)

Ok I’ve got to get ready for class..ya’ll have a great day!

So I dragged my ass out of bed this morning to check out that bootcamp.  And it was pretty good.  There was only one other woman in the camp which I wasn’t expecting.  But that just meant more one on one time with a trainer for me, so I’m fine with that.  For some reason, when I was thinking of the boot camp, I was thinking of Gladiator.  It’s this camp where they kick your ASS …make you run laps, and do obstacle courses, etc.  And for some reason I thought it would be more of the kick your ass kind of stuff.  It was alot of circuit training, with obliques, planks, and resistance stuff.  Which don’t get me wrong, definitely has its place.  And the thing is, if it was a in your face “kick your ass” kind of thing I probably would have fainted from the exertion and the lack of stamina I have goin on right now. LOL  I guess I’m trying to figure out if I think that particular boot camp is worth 150 bucks.  I don’t know.  I do feel really good right now.  I got up and worked out, so yeah..there is that.  Bonus points is I love Kim, the chic runnin it.  And if I’m sore tomorrow, then that will be the cincher.  And if it comes down to it where I want her to be harder on me, I know she would oblige me. LOL  She could have just been taking it easy on me because she knows me and I’m insanely out of shape, and she probably didn’t want me passing out on her. LOL

It’s really cold out…especially for Austin.  Not that I’m complaining mind you..it’s just a big change from last week.  I need to get the kids and I some Winter clothes.  I’ve got the fireplace on, I’m waiting on my tea to steep.  I’ll take the kiddo to school this am, and then I’m going to work on school stuff and the house.  It’s going to be so SO nice not having to go to a game this weekend.  We are having a team party with Mikey’s team on Sat, but other than that, it’s going to be a nice relaxing weekend.  I can’t WAIT. LOL

Ya’ll have a great day!